Tuesday, January 25th, 2011
Caligula, no thanks.
Seriously, I like my porn how I like my dead Roman emperors: on pay per view. NOT in my living room, while I am in a snuggly boo.
Caligula: I’m a whore no more.
Me: Ok, but you’re dead. So…..doesn’t death make you reformed?
Caligs: Hell no. The afterlife is one big singles cruise. Except with none of those awesome napkins folded into animal shapes.
Me: Yeah, those are awesome.
Caligs: So, anyway, as you know, today is my death day! And I don’t wanna be remembered for being a super slut. Although, if there was an award for whoring it up, I’d win.
Me: Well, here there is a little thing called the Jersey Shore so you may not even place.
Caligs: I invented whoring.
Me: I thought you didn;t wanna be known as a whore
Caligs: Right. So, I did a lot during my reign. I completed the temple of Augustus. I improved the harbours at Rhegium and Sicily. And my fave, which is what I now want to be remembered for, is my creation of the aqueduct Anio Novus or I like to call it “the New Anal”.
Me: So, now you want to be remembered for creating the New Anal, but no mention of whoring.
Caligs: You got it dude. Happy Death Day to me!
THERE”S NO CONSPIRACY….CAN”T A BUNCH OF DUDES MEET IN THE SHADOWS ANYMORE WITHOUT IT BEING SOME BIG CONSPIRACY THEORY
Thursday, January 13th, 2011
So, birds just keep ening up dead in piles all over the world and to paraphrase our, and other, esteemed governments, “Birds die. That’s what they do.” AH, the old existentialism defense.
Romania = Birds are drunks. Seems insane, but once you see the math behind it, you will believe.
Tuesday, January 11th, 2011
Well, if we know one thing to be true, it is this….it’s the END OF DAYS, bitches. So, stock up on canned goods, bottled water and regret because those gross birds are just the beginning. Next time, it’s gonna be birds we care about…like turkeys.
I, for one, will not sit idly by while some vengeful or bored god prevents me from doing what I wanna do. In the immortal words of Morgan Freeman, “I’m making a damn bucket list”. Also, in the words of Morgan Freeman in a movie I’ve actually seen, “Lean on Me, dammit”.
So, here is my APOCALIST….so far
1. See “The Craigslist Killer” Lifetime: TV for whiners.
2. Eat more Nutella
3. Dance like no one’s watching.
4. Fine….see “The Bucket List” (research purposes only)
Wednesday, January 5th, 2011
I once had a dream that there were no birds. Now there are no birds or fish. Which I guess is fine, since birds are just tiny dinosuars and I did NOT like what those heartless bastards did to that poor goat in Jurassic Park. So fry, birds, fry.
So, turns out I’m a psychic. And now I am REALLY scared because last night I had a dream that I was trapped in a jello mold. The green kind. With chunks of fruit cocktail in it. When’s that nightmare coming true? My only hope is that the real Apocalypse happens before the jello mold materializes.
Monday, January 3rd, 2011
It’s time once again to play one of our favorite games. Ok, fine, it’s the first time we are testing out the on-line version, but hot shit, it was an amazing discovery during a drunken boozefest at the Island, in the glorious suburban get-away of Libertyville in the waning hours of 2010……so let’s introduce 2011 to drunk logic.
You must choose whether
Is MORE CONTAGIOUS……AS CONTAGIOUS AS….OR LESS CONTAGIOUS THAN
The Biebs is WAY more contagious than Chlamydia!
Stay tuned for more of this kind of fun in 2011.