Archive for the ‘Ask Ace’ Category

WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CICADA AND BUFFALO BILL FROM SHUT UP SHEEP?

Tuesday, October 5th, 2010

Well, many of you have been sending in your questions. And, fair enough, life is confusing and there is nowhere to turn. Who you gonna ask? Your priest? Please, unless you’re 8, you’re gonna get the busy signal. Yahoo Answers is useless. Wikipedia is for turds….so I’m gonna help sort it all out for ya…..So, what exactly is the difference between a cicada and that idiot Buffalo Bill from the lovable family film, Shut up, Sheep?? Well, pay attention kiddies because there is gonna be some math involved….

One wants to get out of his own skin; the other wants to get you outta your skin.

One wants pizza. Little Cesear’s preferably, but will settle for Papa John’s so long as there is extra extra garlic sauce. The other wants to tuck his junk between his legs and make you put lotion in a basket.

So, remember kids….Let Cicadas live and fictional serial killers, well, live, I guess. So, until next time, good luck Keeping Up With the Kardashians……those ladies made a deal with the devil nobody can defeat.

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WHEN WILL THE NIGERIAN PRINCE SEND ME THE 15 MILLION HE PROMISED?

Friday, April 23rd, 2010

Dear Ace,

In March 2002 I received an email from Mr Ngobe Ngayaka, a Nigerian prince, regarding Joe Cosgrove, another Nigerian Prince, who died without a will, and had over 100 million in his bank account. Mr. Ngayaka needed $5, 000 for photocopying fees, and promised that he would send me 15 million once the funds were distributed. So, OF COURSE, I wired him the 5 grand.

I was just wondering WHEN WILL THESE NIGERIAN PRINCES SEND ME THE MONEY?

Sincerely,

Waiting by the Computer in Cedar Rapids

*****************************************************

ACE is wise and full of wisdom

Dear Waiting,

You have as much chance of getting that money as Mr. Ngobe Ngayaka has of acceding to the Nigerian throne. Also, if you are waiting for your “investment” to be refunded, you should get some canned goods, and bottled water to  hunker down because the wait is gonna be endless.  And FYI,  next time you think about wiring money to idiots in the interweb, you might as well just use your money for the following:

1.  Kindling for a fire

2. Toilet paper

3. 5k worth of ramen

4. Line your cat’s litter box

5. Buy Olympic – grade curling shoes

6. Literally, anything else.

Also……Word to the wise – helping princes is great, but receipts are king.

TTYL,

lazy ghost hunter paw for advice

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WHY AM I GETTING SO FAT?

Thursday, April 15th, 2010

So, as I am a bulldog genius I decided to help you navigate this wacky world…..

ACE is wise and full of wisdom

So, now (drumroll, please) the question of the day………

Dear Mr. Ace, wise sage,

WHY AM I GETTING SO FAT? WHY, OH WHY? WHY???

sincerely,

Brownie Lover

Well, Brownie Lover, thanks for your question.

Seeing how the world as we know it is coming to an end, what with all the natural disasters and the whole Justin Beiber situation, the real answer is who gives a shit that you’re getting fat.

So, my advice is enjoy yourself.  Order the desserts. Get the full fat lattes. Toss out your skinny jeans and embrace the elastic waistband.  Sweatpants ARE the new black, after all.

Make the most of it.  Make peace with your god. And above all…..carbo-load, because the apocalypse will be exhausting.

Until next time,

lazy ghost hunter paw for advice


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