TAFT! GET OUTTA MY BATHTUB

Monday, November 1st, 2010

So, I was taking my bi-yearly bath and I had  all my necessary accoutrements, ie. bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 (kiwi lemon, obvi),  my Sade mixed tape, and a crate of sort of stale yellow peeps I got at the half off bin.  It was gonna be relax-tastic.

Lazy Ghost Hunter thinks of Hot Dogs in the Bath

As I was gearing up to wash my hair using Aussie’s wonderful and gentle hair shampoo, dreaming of delightful Vienna Beef hot dogs, as I always do….when a fat tub of lard plopped  himself into my perfect bubbly bath, launching me, and most of the bath water toward the other side of the room, like I was on a teeter-totter. So,  I sat with my Mad Dog and watched  this Lord Chunk whine like a bitch.

Taft with Lazy Ghost Hunter in the bath

“You know,”  said ex-president lard-ass, “The bathtub was too small. It was built for a midge. Or a child. Yes, it was built for a child. Or a large monkey. If it was regulation sized, I’d never have gotten stuck. ARRRGHHH!!! I am Taft! TAFT! “

“Uh, huh,” I said.

“330 pounds is normal for a man.”

“Maybe for a manatee,” said his handlebar mustache.

“Is that mayonnaise?” asked the only man to serve as both the  President of the United States and the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, as he pointed to my Aussie shampoo.

“Um, no,” I said, “that’s shampoo”.

“That’s exactly the kind of shit that my EX-best friend Teddy Roosevelt would pull. Taft, out.”

And unlike during  his life, he got right out of the bathtub….one of the many benefits of being a ghost, I guess.  And I finished up the Mad Dog, then watched a Lifetime movie called “I woke up pregnant”.  It was great….but I was drunk, so you do the math.

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