COLUMBUS SAYS “IT’S NOT STEALING IF I WANT IT”

Tuesday, October 12th, 2010

In honor of our founder Christopher Columbus, I  was able to finally pick up that nice, shiny moped I’ve had my eye on for weeks, ever since that little shit for brains jag-a-loon moved in across the street.

You’re mine now, bitch. So, stop your whining Jimmy or Timmy or whatever the crap your name is. In honor of Columbus, I claim this bike as mine. It’s part of my rich cultural heritage, so deal with it. Or move. Or stay. You literally cannot pay me to give a shit, but you can pay for some more nice stuff so I can take it.

Columbus, popularized the phrase “DIBS” when he landed on “the Indies” and when told that the land was not in fact  the Indies, as he believed, but rather the front lawn of some lovely folks who’d been living there long enough to set up a progressive potluck dinners, the kind so beloved by smarmy suburban ladies and ironic hipsters….but i digress, so when he found out it was not the land he thought, Columbus shouted, in true heroic fashion “DIBS, mother-fuckers’. Then he licked all the food, telling everyone, “You can’t eat it, I licked it”.

So, obviously, this num-nuts should be honored with a national holiday.

And that, my friends, is why this country is gonna be taken over by a revolution organized by a tin can. Viva la Revolucion.

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  9. erin says:

    yes?